Judgment and Comparison

by Karen Harbour

I always thought of myself as someone who did not judge. I felt compassion for all people, with all their differences and foibles. I accepted everyone just as they were.

At least, that is the lie I believed for decades and decades. When pushed, I could agree that I did make discerning comparisons. I once went to a workshop where people were told to line up in order of how much they liked mayonnaise — lovers to the right, haters to the left. When I look back on it now, I can clearly remember the small satisfaction I felt as I lined myself up with others who felt as I did about mayonnaise. But, in my old way of thinking, this was not judgment, just a little constructive comparison at work.

I see so clearly now how I used comparison to find my place in existence. I needed to feel safe and in control, so I compared everything to standards that I rarely admitted having. I would argue that I didn’t judge anyone. But what were the comparisons, if not judging? And what was the result of all these comparisons? I felt relief that my world was intact, for one. And I could also use these comparisons to hurt myself if I felt I didn’t measure up. I made flagrant judgments everywhere; while at the same time patting myself on the back for being so open-minded and accepting.

For the first few years I attended Dreaming, I was constantly comparing myself to other students. Was I ‘as far along’ as my classmates? My process was apparently not the same – so was I just fooling myself into thinking I was keeping up with everyone else? Why didn’t I get it the way this person did? Why didn’t I have that person’s experience? And if I heard a fellow Dreamer say something that sounded unaware from my perspective, I would feel so good about my progress. Then I would use that feel-good emotion to bring myself down for making the comparison and for feeling superior. Ah! So many perfect setups for self-abuse.

I know now they were judgments because of the reaction I would have when I made them. There was no acceptance and respect. The reactions would vary, but in every instance there would be a response in my body to what was occurring.

Do I like everything I see in the world around me now? Do I agree with every policy maker or co-worker, friend or family member? Of course not. The difference now is that I note what is happening and, as if judgment were a speeding car headed straight for me, I’ll get out of the way. Otherwise, differences of opinion have no impact on me, and do not cause a reaction or disturbance. Everyone has the right to dream life in his own way.

I have total respect for the dreams of others. I no longer need to judge myself, or compare myself to anyone. I feel no need to be “safe” in the way that this particular symbol once ruled me. And, of course, I love and respect my dream first and foremost. For that, my body thanks me over and over again.