The Final Judgment

by Carolyn Duval

Recently I returned to Teotihuacan. Every power journey has brought me new experiences and revelations, but this time I heard Barbara talk about dreams colliding with other dreams as we interact with human beings, and how that challenges us in so many ways. She asked us to notice our feelings of conflict around other people and not to judge ourselves. She asked us to be impersonal and non-reactive, to reach for a third attention awareness that allows life, not knowledge, to guide us. We were reminded that we were alone in this journey and in charge of our own transformation.

Hearing these words gave me great comfort and a feeling of power. It couldn’t prepare me for what was to come, however, as I began to experience those teachings in real terms. It seemed that I was immediately thrown into a distortion of the dream of Teo, a place that had always provided days filled with laughter and love. This time I felt friendless, isolated and disappointed by those who had once been close to me. As these feelings occurred, I knew it wasn’t about Teo or about the dreams that had converged that week. It was about me.

I was in reaction to everything, it seemed. I was having panic attacks for the first time in years. I was experiencing severe migraines and physical pain and I spent most of the time crying. I was a mess. I had come to master death, and I felt that death was winning. I assumed it was time to end the power that memories and old judgments had over me, but what I failed to realize was that it was now my moment-to-moment, routine reactions that held me together as a structure. And it was time to give up.

I needed to let go of my investment in many things. I needed to stop judging other Dreamers for missing the lessons I felt were the most valuable. I needed to end my investment in everyone else’s spiritual well being. I needed to hold on to nothing and expect nothing. I need to have true faith in myself and trust that I was the life that gave power to this human in every moment. Above all, I needed to stop needing!

Before the journey was over, I felt myself break apart. This is what we have always been taught is the end to human form. With absolute clarity and unexpected joy, I surrendered once again. This time, after so many years of releasing old ideas and after so many humbling transformations, I was able to see that the thoughts and responses of this present moment were not the truth of me. The woman who thought they were could die now. The student who made this teaching an excuse for self-importance and judgment could now surrender and be no more.

There is nothing left after the last lie but truth. There is nothing left after the final judgment but respect for all dreams. On the last day, I stood at the top of the Pyramid of the Sun to give my thanks to all those things that had served to teach me and inspire me, and ended my dependence on them. I thanked this wonderful creation called Carolyn for serving me so well, gave her up, and walked away. Love is all that is left.